You Don't Have to Be Perfect

On my mission, I learned that learning another language was really hard. I felt like I was living in my head for the first few months in Brazil. I felt frustrated and I couldn't share exactly what I wanted to say but eventually, I got the hang of it... I think.

That's why I wanted to train an American as a missionary because I understood how hard it was to struggle and study to speak. That didn't happen and I was a little disappointed but I didn't realize how many people I actually would help with that very thing almost a year later.

Missionaries come into the classroom the first day to language immersion. They are immediately thrown into situations where they have the absolute need to communicate. The first week they rely on Heavenly Father because there literally is nothing else they can do (well that or speak Spanish).

Some of the most amazing experiences were within that first week when they knew and I knew they didn't really speak Portuguese. But still, their words were powerful. Their desire to share their message was such that the Spirit brought the message to my heart, regardless of the non conjugated verbs and pronunciation.

One example that will always stay with me is my experience with Sister Stewart and Sister Brothersen. I was having a really hard time because I didn't understand what Heavenly Father was having me do in my dating life. I prayed and prayed but never really thought I got an answer. Thus, I didn't feel like he really cared about me. I was being their investigator and these two humble and amazing missionaries helped me feel the power of God's love in broken and imperfect Portuguese. When I asked why I was important to God, Sister Stewart paused for a moment and said something like, "You are daughter God". The uncertainty and distance I felt with Heavenly Father vanished in those simple, imperfect, heartfelt words.

It didn't need to be perfect for me to understand the message. "He loves you. He's still here. You're his daughter".

That's how I know you don't have to be perfect to make a difference.

Ramblings of an MTC Teacher

Almost 3 years ago, I got the phone call I had wanted since November 2010.

"You're hired," they said. I was changing my black name tag for a white one. I was hired as a MTC teacher.

I don't think I can ever fully express the gratitude and overwhelming love I felt at that job. I made life-long friends with fellow coworkers and interacted with some of the most amazing missionaries this earth has ever seen. Each and every one of these people changed my life in some way or another.

I was able to teach with my own MTC teacher, meet my husband, and deepen my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This job saved my life. Some times I would be so discouraged about life and I would come into work to be taught by the missionaries about prayer and scripture study and it would renew my resolve to keep enduring.

I miss singing every day in Portuguese. I miss the callouses on my knees from constantly kneeling on that rough carpet. I miss the Spirit guiding me and he would help me share a scripture or ask an inspired question. I miss the insights I received as I heard the testimonies of the missionaries every single day. I miss it. I miss how it helped me see how simple the gospel was.

In an effort to remember and maintain those feelings. I want to review over the next few weeks some of the lessons I learned there as to not forget the incredible experience I had.

Tears

I went to the temple the other day to walk around and talk. As I was talking to my friend, she stopped suddenly and asked me if I had been crying earlier. I felt a little shocked that she had known and it must have shown on my face because she then told me how I had a barely visible tear streak on my cheek. 

That's going to change how I make sure no one knows what I've been up to! But then again, I wonder why we want to hide that we hurt. Aren't we supposed to "mourn with those that mourn"? That's a little hard to do if no one shares how they really feel. 

It's a part of life to feel. The sons of Mosiah had "many afflictions" and did "suffer much both in body and in mind... And also much labor in the spirit". They also felt joy and comfort and I'm sure sharing with their brethren helped ease the burden. 

I don't like to think I'm a bother to people and make them worry but I think they need to help me just as much as I need their help and consoling words. 

While the tears I shed were because of sad mormon messages, this experience has made me reflect on the purpose of being where I am right now and on what life is all about. There are those I can help and others who can help me. I'm here at this place with certain people for a reason. How can I complain about having a mission to accomplish before I get a new assignment?  

The game plan for our lives is a lot more than what we can see. Maybe we can't see right now but eventually there may be some insight. Until then let's see what we can do right here and now. 

There is work to do.

House Guest

Flashback to a few months ago...

Russell came to visit us. I don't know him but he walked into my apartment anyways. In fact, no one in my apartment knew who he was. Maybe I should go back and explain.

My roommates were participating in a dinner group one particular evening. On this night, people were coming and going and I had no idea who they were. I didn't feel too bad because it was still close to the beginning of the semester and it was still okay to ask everyone what their names were. As I sat on a couch in the front room with a friend, we would occasionally see someone poke their head in the open door and walk to the kitchen. It almost seemed normal after the first few times so I didn't think twice when Russell peered in the apartment and sat down on the other couch.

I thought that was a funny place to sit  because the food was in the kitchen but deciding to be friendly, I asked him what his name and decided to make some chit-chat. He seemed nice enough but after a minute we asked if he was there for the dinner group. We were nice and all but didn't he want food? His face went a little pale when he asked if we were there for a business meeting. We shook our heads no and he then excused himself to make a phone call. 

He never returned.

And that's why I get nervous to visit a house I've never been to before. You never know what you're going to get but you can decide to smile and laugh at yourself if you accidentally walk into someone's house you don't know and sit on their couch and make conversation. 

The Altar

There are certain times in my life when I have been blown away by how amazing God is to us.

Genesis 22.

God told Abraham to go up into the mountain and build an altar. He and Isaac did just that but Abraham must have had a heavy heart knowing that the Lord had asked him to put his most prized and longed for treasure on the altar as a sacrifice. Now that was Abraham's view. But what about Isaac?

We don't really know the story but I imagine he must have had a lot of faith that if that was the only way, it had to be done. Can you imagine what Isaac felt when the angel appeared? Relief? Joy? Elation? He no longer had to be offered up to the Lord. However, something still needed to be offered because that was a requirement of the Lord. So a ram caught in the thicket nearby was slain and was sacrificed.

We are saved from being killed because there was a sacrifice already offered that was sufficient. The ram was enough. The atonement of Jesus Christ was enough. Because of him, we need not die. He has given us another option. That of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

May we remember the reason for the season and give thanks for the sacrifice of the only begotton of the Father.

Red Vines

Missionaries have the opportunity to practice with their teachers every single day to learn how to help people come closer to Christ. For the last few months, missionaries have drawn things out for me, used scriptures, and have given a powerful witness of the things they know. Nothing really unconventional has happened... until last week. I could have never guessed how a package of Red Vines could have changed my life. 

Last week, two Elders entered the room with a package of candy. I smirked to myself then thought something like, "Well bribery has never happened before." We began with a prayer then one of them ripped the package opened and offered one to me. I took it and bit into it wondering how this was going to play a part of the lesson. As I did, the other Elder got down and started doing push-ups. He came up from the ground a little winded. I felt a little alarmed to say the least! What was going on? These thoughts ran through my mind as they said to follow them into the hall.

We walked out the door and encountered a sister. The one Elder offered her a treat and she declined. Much to my surprise, the other Elder went down to the floor again and started doing push-ups. He arose from the floor winded once more and this time a little red in the face. As he finished, once more the Elder offered me a Red Vine. Not wanting the poor Elder to go down one more time, I refused, only to see him quietly kneel down and start doing it all again. I felt frustrated that nothing I did helped the Elder.

We walked back into the room and I pondered about the things that just transpired. We sat and they explained to me about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. They told me that regardless of if we want it or not, he suffered, bled and died for us all. Christ has already paid the price and now it's our part to take it or not. A warm feeling entered my heart as I heard them relate the activity to what Christ did and who he is.

The day after, I reflected on the character of the Lord as I reviewed the incident. What a selfless act to be done! He did not perform the Atonement to get praise or honor. Here was an example of the Savior of the world, who gave everything to a people who often don't recognize what they have been given. What an example of selflessness and charity and pure love. Why those characteristics? Because it was an act given regardless of how it would be accepted to every person who has and will walk on this earth.

2 Nephi 2:9 says, "Wherefore, he is the first fruits unto God, inasmuch as he shall make intercession for all the children of men; and they that believe in him shall be saved." (emphasis added)

We sometimes might not want a Red Vine or think that it's for us, but it is. It's always available because we are children of God. So think next time someone asks, "Do you want a Red Vine?"

Everyone should have one of these....

and that would be a Gilbert Blythe.

Why?

Because it's having someone...

who is your best friend.

who gives you a little competition.

who inspires you to be your best.

who might make fun of you a little.

who gives you a little wink.

who jokes with you.

who puts up with your romantic ideas.

who lets you think you are winning.

who is real.

Who could say no to that?

I'm Just Getting More Awesome

A quote my roommate showed me says the following, "Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome".

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant

We both laughed at it and some of you even liked it when I posted it to my facebook. It seems like every week that sentence becomes more true. Really. It's an explosion of sparkly rings and albums of monthly pregnancy progression. I love it. I really do but I guess it's a little difficult to understand sometimes why that isn't my life. That's what I thought it would be, you know, married by twenty-one to my prince charming and by now there would be a kid or two in a little house with a picket fence and I would make fresh baked pies every other day. Okay, well maybe not the pies part but you get the picture. So maybe that dream didn't make the time limit but all the other parts are still possible... someday. It's just what to do while you're waiting for that dream to come true.

I'm just getting more awesome

The clear solution is to get more awesome but sometimes we get stuck waiting. The way I see it, we can let life happen to us or we can make life happen. I tend to let it happen to me but therein lies the mistake. Awesomeness will only come by making the most out of whatever part of life I'm in. Maybe where I'm at isn't what I thought but making the most of opportunities and impoving myself is how I'll face this stage of life. So in the mean time, I'm going to develop my talents further, finish my education, discover who I am and become the person I want to become. Obviously there are some things I still need to work on and hopefully as I do, I keep "getting more awesome".

... And you can too!

The only thing I would change about the statement would be to add those few words. The great thing about getting more awesome it that it's not limited to just a few. It's possible for everyone! We should always be changing to become better. So whether you're waiting for prince charming to come along or anticipating a new addition to your family or whatever stage of life you find yourself in, you can still become more awesome too. Come to know yourself, the truly awesome person that you are and be happy with that with no matter what is happening in your life. You're potential is limitless and remember... you are awesome.

Dear Self...

Have you ever pondered on some of the things that were a big deal to you when you were younger? It's amazing how somethings just don't matter anymore. On the other hand, other things may have made you into who you are today. Life is so interesting in retrospect. If you got the chance, what would you tell your younger self?

I would say...

Don't hold onto grudges. Life moves on and you'll soon forget about it.
Make as many friends as you can.
Stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you. Worry about what you think about yourself and what Heavenly Father thinks.
It's okay to be innocent.
Play more.
Forgive.
Take advantage of every opportunity.
Keep moving forward.
Life is hard.
There are still good things to come.
You'll never regret doing good deeds.
Don't do stupid things.
You still won't like country music.
Your heart will get broken.
You decide who you want to be.
A good book can still be your friend but real ones are a lot better.
Develop your talents and gain new ones.
Spur of the moment dance parties are fun.
There are so many good memories yet to be made.
Some of your greatest friends will be made in unexpected places.
You are never alone.

Remember the Good Times

I found a journal I kept of my freshman year at college. I had a list of "things that made me smile today..." Life is funny. Here are a few of those moments.

• We found out that the disposal we thought we were using was actually the fan and the disposal is under the sink. 
• It's fall and I saw a leaf fall from a tree
• In my Book of Mormon class we were having a discussion. Someone said something and my teacher said, "Good! Ten points for Slytherin!"
• I saw a lot of leaves fall from a tree!
• I can check out 50 books at the BYU library! :) 
• My sister told the check out lady at the grocery store, "Don't squish my cans!"
• My friend from work, "Boys, you can't live with them.... and apparently you can't receive salvation without them." 
• As I was pushing a cart at work, all of the sudden a container few off. The container did a flip and I totally caught it full of cottage cheese after it flipped without a morsel spilt.
• This morning a bird flew into the glass door in the front of my dorm. As I stood in shock, I saw a feather drift to the ground.
• A friend gave me a gift on my birthday with a note. She asked me if I had read it and I so I opened it up and found a recipe for a tuna casserole. Ha ha!
• That same friend also thought buffalo were extinct... heehee

I laughed at these small but funny moments and recognized I haven't been doing this lately. Isn't life better when we can see the good?

Holding On

That's what we do... and sometimes that isn't a good thing.

Have you ever thought why we hold on to things that don't do us any good?

Like old notebooks. I tell myself that someday I might want to see those things but how many times have I actually done it? Zero. 

What about the past? Sometimes we hold onto things hoping that maybe just maybe it might come back. Oh, I think that we should hold on to good memories and relish in that fact that they happened. However, wishing so hard that it comes back and obsessing over it isn't healthy at all! I've gone over and over this. I finally realized that personally, I wasn't having hope. Hope for things to come and promises to be kept. That's what keeps us moving forward instead of getting stuck in the rut of life, never moving forward.

I ran across this scripture in my study that reminded me that no matter what has happened, there is something to look forward to. 

But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever.

2 Nephi 9:18

I hope to always see the bright shining future that waits for me if I keep going on through the good and bad.

Sunsets, Stare Downs and Make-up

You may be wondering how all the items above fit together. They don't.

You hear the phrase, "and they rode off into the sunset" like it was supposed to be romantical and dreamy. I drove to the store the other day- right into the sunset and the only thing it was... was blinding. Running away with someone into the sunset would cause more problems than take away. No one would be able to see anything! However, the phrase "riding away with their backs to the sunset" doesn't quite sound literarily beautiful. Maybe "the sun arose lighting the path before them". That one works, right?

Besides finding phrases unromantic, I've been having a hard time this past week with the whole look down or make eye contact at an awkward distance. Normally I don't have a problem with this but I've noticed that people won't look at me for anything. What is up with people? Is it really so bad to look someone in the eye and say hello? I rarely come across someone who will look me in the eyes and say a passing hello.

I understand though, especially deciding if you will say something, when to do it. It's awkward approaching someone in passing. Sometimes even I go to the other side of the street in an attempt to avoid the situation. Do you look away until you are within a few feet? Or wait til they already passed? How about when you awkwardly make eye contact from a distance but it's too far away to say anything. Then you have to look away and then say something when you get close enough. Social dilemmas.

Knowing when and why to do things causes stress. Sometimes it's just nice to not have to worry. That's why I've come to love bedtime. I rub off my make-up and see just myself. Of all parts of the day, it's the time when I like myself the best. I see just myself staring back at me. No masks and problems about sunsets or stare downs. I'm me and that's enough for the moment.

Answers

God has an interesting way of of answering our prayers. I know that patience plays a big part of it and I know that things turn out if we are following the path of righteousness.


Example


I went to bed one night distressed about my circumstances and how things weren't turning out the way I wanted them to. I woke up the next morning to feel a cool breeze and so I looked out the window and  saw a rainbow in the sky. There is no way for me to describe how I KNEW that God loved me in that moment and that I KNEW that he existed and wanted me to be happy. I couldn't deny the evidence. The feeling that He knew that putting those colors in the sky would make me remember all those things was so clear to me.


And Patience


I was reminded of those feelings that I had when I already got an answer to my prayers. Does that even make sense? I was waiting for an answer that I already got. I just needed to recognize it and move forward. 


For a lack of better words, I know that Heavenly Father has got our back. He is there for us and we need to go forward with faith and optimism-even when it seems like we can't find an answer.

Ranch Dressing

My sister and I got to help out at a ranch this week doing the food for a bunch boys around 12-15 years old.   Sorry nothing really about salad or food, but I definitely felt my life 'spice up' a little these past few days. I feel like a good salad dressing can make a big difference to an otherwise boring pile of lettuce.

So what exactly happened to put a kick into my otherwise monotonous life? Well, while we had the opportunity to go on horseback rides and explore a little bit, it was nice to get away for a little bit. We got to hang around a great group of boys up in the mountains and hear about how they chopped wood and helped out a lady or went to go buy food. However, I must say that it wasn't the only thing I enjoyed... I loved the comments those boys made.

Number 1
A returned missionary from Brasil was going to tell the boys a bed-time story. Our room was off to the side and we could hear through the door. Before the story got started, the boys chatted and one randomly called out, "So do you call your self half Mexican because you served in Brazil?". Another boy shortly answered the question by saying, "Uh... no, it would be half Spanish!". We had a good laugh over that one.

Number 2
Yet again, as the boys were settling down the counselor gave the boys 30 seconds to be quiet. One started counting down from 30 in a loud voice... somehow when he got to 20 he stopped and said, "uhhh...". Someone else picked up for him when he couldn't remember what came after.

I had a few good laughs at the things they said and I must say that I was really impressed by those boys. They were there to learn more about service and living in the outdoors. We were always thanked for our work and we never had to do the dishes! Thanks to a couple of wonderful counselors too!

I'm so glad places like that exist. A place where you can feel free and get away. Even though I didn't participate fully in all the activities, I feel like I was a part of it and I definitely got to see how good people that do simple things can make a big difference. A little 'dressing' can go a long ways... especially if it's Ranch.

Without Going to Pieces

My roommate randomly showed this article to me. I liked the message that it shared... so I'm sharing it with you! It comes from an Ensign article entitled "Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn't End in Marriage" M. GAWAIN WELLS. I thought it was an interesting topic to address and when pondering about why all this is necessary in life, I found gospel principles at the root.

He begins-

"The Lord has given us some important guidelines for relationships—and they apply to all relationships, including dating. We’re counseled to treat all people charitably and kindly, to forgive, and to love not only God and others but also ourselves."

I just had to think, "Wow!". Of course it makes sense. Just because a relationship doesn't work out, even when it is hurtful, all are children of God and we have to keep the commandments. He goes on-

"While you may learn valuable lessons from failed relationships, it’s not necessary to impute further meaning to the break-up. That is, I don’t believe the Lord intends you to be hurt again and again for the sake of “learning experiences.” I believe that He wants you to know the joy that comes from understanding, trusting, and loving someone in an honest, giving relationship. Hopefully, you can learn what is valuable from the experience without punishing yourself or seeing the experience as punishment."

That may be hard to see sometimes but I believe that it's true. I think that it's hard to not beat yourself up. Asking yourself why you weren't good enough or what you did wrong... but it's all part of the process. Would you actually WANT to be married to a person who didn't care all that much? Of course not. But it doesn't make it that much easier. What makes it so great is finding your best friend and being able to talk forever about nothing and everything. It's about having those good experiences too.

I loved his perspective on the whole subject and the reminder that the gospel applies to everything- and that includes dating.

My New Friend

I made a new friend at work. It always amazes me at how the more we get to know people, the more we can understand and love them. I asked this wonderful woman how she met her husband and was favored with this reply.


She met her husband at church but he was going away to school so he encouraged her to apply for her visa. She had already tried many times but went at his insisting and heard the words, "Welcome the the United States of America!". She was thrilled.


She told me about how in her culture, people just hug and go out just to be friendly. They aren't necessarily romantically interested, just nice and friendly.


One day, however, someone came by and gave her a big hug and then they went out to dinner... and the boy who had wanted her to come saw it. He got a little stirred up about it and maybe a little jealous. It must have made him realize what he wanted so he then asked her to marry him. To which she said yes.


She laughed about how she really had no interest in the other boy. She wasn't worried about it.


I reflected on this and realized that sometimes we don't really appreciate what we've got or have in our grasp until that very thing almost gets taken away. 


That guys was lucky and I sure hope I don't let something good get away from me before I realize just how good it is!

A Beautiful Life

I have a really good friend who once wrote to me about having a beautiful life. She made the comment that she thought that I would have one.

Sometimes I don't know where that life is. I want to find it so bad but some times it seems out of reach.

I've realized that I can't sit around waiting for it to happen. I have to make it happen. I have to create my beautiful life. What makes it beautiful is knowing what was ugly. What makes it sweet will come from having known the bitter. It's hard going through those moments. Hard and hurtful and everything imaginable... but necessary to create that beautiful life.

To me that seems a life filled with the Spirit and knowing that the path taken is the path acceptable to the Lord. It doesn't mean we have everything we could ever want. Not the best car or a house or money or a job. It comes from what we are making ourselves into. I truly believe that.

I know that my beautiful life will result in what I have become and one day all the trappings will melt away. All the awards I have won and the degrees or certificates won't mean a thing if I haven't become that beautiful person with a beautiful life.

And We're Back!

It's about time for a new post! Sometimes I wait until I feel really inspired to write about something... this is not one of those times. I just feel like talking about what's going on in my life.

I moved up to Provo! I forgot how things were up here though. I got quite a shock as I went to FHE in my first single's ward back from the mission. The guy who said the opening prayer asked that many people would be asked out on dates... crickets... a few giggles... I just felt awkward as I shut my eyes tighter and tried to pretend I wasn't there. Oh, BYU!

On the other hand, I was so lucky to move into an apartment with some wonderful girls! I have loved every second that I've had with them! I sure did get blessed on this one!

I won't lie. I miss my friends. The ones in Cedar, others in Logan, and a lot sprinkled around the world spreading the good news of the gospel. It's hard feeling like I am starting from scratch... but what does that really mean anyway? You might not have a complete strawberry cream cake but at least you have the basics to start out with like having eggs and flour. I have nice people around, good roommates and little by little you make that into a delicious confection. A double chocolate fudge isn't the same things but it sure is tasty!


My motto has been forward with faith these last few weeks. I want to keep heading in the right direction. It'll all turn out just right.

It's NOT my birthday... but I cried anyway...

I bawled today.


Nothing personal. Really. That 's probably why I cried.


I went to a fireside tonight that was... interesting. I came home grabbed The Mountain of the Lord and went down to my room to watch it. I forgot the popcorn though! Anyways... it was great. Afterwards I decided to watch a few "Mormon Messages" to you know, put the cherry on the top. 


That's when I realized that the Atlantic Ocean was slowly entering my room. The tides crept up and wham! There was water everywhere! How embarrassing. I know. Well maybe not. I was touched by all of the stories of people who I have never met but have so much to deal with in life. I thought about their situations and listened to their stories and then I cried. Funny thing about all of this is that I've seen all of them before.


It really touched me to see the faith and devotion that people have in the Savior. Because a lot of people don't have that in their lives. During Sacrament, I pondered on how we can make the gospel and Him a more important part of our lives. I know that it's important but how can we make it part of our every day lives and give it the importance that it deserves? Sometimes we don't think twice about going to church and the real reasons. I then thought of John 7:17. If you want to know why it's important then you have got to try it out and THEN you'll see why. That's how it becomes a reality in our lives- by living everyday what we believe. That's how those people got through their challenges and were able to be examples to those around them.


For good measure... I had to watch the marshmallow message about patience to cheer me up. Hope it makes you happy too! Here it is

In the Ground

The Oak Tree

by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.

Then snapped its boughs

and pulled its bark

until the Oak was tired and stark.

But still the Oak Tree held its ground

while other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing Oak?"

The Oak Tree said, I know that you

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry every leaf away,

shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

A few years ago Elder Scott shared this poem. I liked it! Sometimes we don't exactly know what kind of trials we can endure until they actually happen.

Not meaning that we're just ready to go! I am sure it took time for the Oak tree's roots to grow deep. Day by day we find our roots growing deeper if that's what we're focusing on. The small and simple things count! And we'll see the result when the wind blows and it feels like we have nothing left but the roots of our soul.

Just some thoughts.